Meet My Valentine

I shall be spending my Valentine's Day with my froggy, and a few other stuffed animals. I feel really shitty today but I'll live. Valentine's Day is never a good day for me. No texts or calls...just me and my stuffed animals. Thanks, mom. I'd be alone if you didn't get me a biddy every year.

Peace out.
:'3

Night Before Hell

Fuck Valentine's Day. I hate all the happy couples smooching and being, well...couply. Valentines Day just gives them a better excuse to do it in public.

All this dumb holiday is good for, in my world, is reminding me that I have no goddamn clue what I'm doing in this 'relationship'. I don't really know the guy I'm dating well enough to know what's going on in his head. I wonder if he's taking me seriously. He says he is but I just don't trust anyone anymore. I like him but everyone I come to care about seems to betray me. Not to mention the fact that I won't even see the guy.

I can't see why we need a stupid pink and red holiday. If you're really in love, is it even necessary? I mean, every day should be Valentine's Day for those real couples, right? Why torture the people who are single or inbetween single and taken?

Can you tell I was dumped around Valentine's Day? 'Cause I was. My birthday is on the 3rd, Valentine's is the 14th and the anniversary of my diagnosis is the 23rd...I was dumped by my last boyfriend somewhere around the last two. My hatred for tomorrow is completely justifiable.

Anyway, have a nice day tomorrow and don't hurt yourself or anything...it's literally the dumbest thing to die for. It's just a stupid holiday.

We're All Mad Here

When I'm left alone with my thoughts I often find myself in a very dark place. I start to think about things that I really shouldn't or I over think the simplest things and ruin them entirely. For example:
    Once upon a time, I fell in love with my best friend. Hard. It didn't work out, between us but we stayed close. Most of the time I didn't even think about those feelings I once had but, when I started to hang around another guy I began feeling guilty for having them. Because even though I was't acting on them or anything, they were still in the back of my mind...memories, reflections of feelings that aren't really there anymore. I wondered if that was wrong. "Am I a bad person? I can't really control what goes on in my head. I do enjoy being with this guy but I can't forget the feelings I once had."

I figured out that it IS okay to remember those kinds of things, so long as they don't interfere with my moving forward. 'Cause they're in the past and that's really where they should stay. I can admire them from a distance.

But can you imagine having several of these complex thoughts going on all at once inside your head? As soon as you solve one of these, another takes it's place. Can you imagine that? If you can, you have an idea of what it's like in my head.
Welcome. We're all mad here.
*Hahaha*

"You Don't Understand."

Anyone who is or claims to be depressed will say "You don't understand." As ridiculous as they may sound. It's really how they feel. Trust me.

I feel...I hate myself. I hate how manipulative and clingy and outspoken I am. I feel like such an ugly person. Such a waste of flesh. I feel like a pest when I text or talk to anyone. I try to do nice things for the ones I love but it must not be enough. How can you mean so little to the ones who mean the most to you? I saw goodbye to my friends so often. What makes these friends and this boyfriend so special? Or more likey, what makes me think I'm so special to them?

I have been happy. I have felt good about myself. But it's rare. I just can't find anything about myself worth loving all the time. My "good" features are the ones that get me into the situations that get me hurt. I am trying. Trying to find something happy and stable to help me achieve a better attitude.

Here's hoping I find it soon.

Ahh Socialization

I just recently started seeing someone. He's really great so far. But I honestly have no idea what I'm doing. See...I havent been in public school since I was 13 and I missed so much before then that I didn't really get to pick up any social skills. It's hard to know whether I'm doing things right or not.

A Little Background Info

I am 16 years old as of yesterday. I have a series of autoimmune diseases that were diagnosed 4 years ago. Trouble is, I've actually had them since birth. Looking at me, you can't really tell. I'm pale, occasional dark bags under my eyes and a butterfly rash when it's hot. But I don't look gravely ill. My secret is that I actually am.

Among my many illnesses are:
*Autoimmune hepatitis type 2 (AIH 2)
*Sjogren syndrome
*Rheumatoid arthritis (RA)
*Lupus
and
*Thyroiditis 

Nearly all of them can become deadly at any time. Coma is a big concern. The AIH 2 has made my liver almost completely useless. Most of it is hardened and scarred. My liver functions just enough to prevent a transplant. AIH 2 can affect the brain too. Sometimes, I notice shaking or my head gets foggy and I can't think straight. Words come out wrong. The Sjogren syndrome also goes after my liver along with my kidneys. Sjogren's dries out my eyes and mouth, sends antibodies to attack my stomach, liver and kidneys and makes me simply sick in general. RA hits ALL of my joints with severe and painful swelling. Mornings are hell with RA. Lupus sends antibodies to kill healthy tissue like my skin, joints, kidneys, brain and whatever else it so chooses. Thyroiditis...'Chronic' Thyroiditis. Obviously it is after my thyroid.

Best part? It's all incurable. All I can do is treat the symptoms and hope for the best. Every day I get up and wonder if it'll be my last day. Sometimes that motivates me...other times it just tears me apart. I don't want pity, I just want to share my story. Just in case.