The House Of Life

Opening doors in life can be tricky. Sometimes you can just breeze right through an open doorway and sometimes you have to spend a long time looking for the keys or picking locks. Even then, you may just find a brick wall on the other side. There's a lot of work to do in between those doors too. Cleaning, fixing things and...changing. You meet people and sometimes they'll help you or you'll help them and you can just wander around with them. But then, you open a door one day and when you turn to look at them, they aren't there anymore. Windows are harsh. Sometimes you can open them and the fresh air fills you with joy and hope. Some windows have no screens and you can climb out and run in the fields or swim in the creek. But you have to go back. Always. So, I guess you just have to find the strength to do what needs to be done and enjoy those moments when you can get away.

Life Goes On

I woke up this morning feeling a bit tingly and sore as heck. Then I remembered everything that happened yesterday. My mind is so jumbled and I have so many feels that I just can't...
Maybe I'll wake up and everything will have been a dream. Do I want that? I don't think I do now that I've mulled it over a bit. I just don't know who I am or what I'm doing anymore. But...life goes on.

Bad Days and Better Days

I miss my boyfriend. But today I'm supposed to see him. I'm pretty excited. I also have a chance to see one of my very best friends named Clinton. Around 5...ish. He's pretty great, kindof like a big brother. It'd be neat to see him so I'm crossing my fingers.
I'm sitting with my mum, my amazing step-dad and my grandma Miller. We're eating so I gotta get going but...I just wanted to take a moment to write down a good feeling.

Peace, love and frogs! :3

Meet My Valentine

I shall be spending my Valentine's Day with my froggy, and a few other stuffed animals. I feel really shitty today but I'll live. Valentine's Day is never a good day for me. No texts or calls...just me and my stuffed animals. Thanks, mom. I'd be alone if you didn't get me a biddy every year.

Peace out.
:'3

Night Before Hell

Fuck Valentine's Day. I hate all the happy couples smooching and being, well...couply. Valentines Day just gives them a better excuse to do it in public.

All this dumb holiday is good for, in my world, is reminding me that I have no goddamn clue what I'm doing in this 'relationship'. I don't really know the guy I'm dating well enough to know what's going on in his head. I wonder if he's taking me seriously. He says he is but I just don't trust anyone anymore. I like him but everyone I come to care about seems to betray me. Not to mention the fact that I won't even see the guy.

I can't see why we need a stupid pink and red holiday. If you're really in love, is it even necessary? I mean, every day should be Valentine's Day for those real couples, right? Why torture the people who are single or inbetween single and taken?

Can you tell I was dumped around Valentine's Day? 'Cause I was. My birthday is on the 3rd, Valentine's is the 14th and the anniversary of my diagnosis is the 23rd...I was dumped by my last boyfriend somewhere around the last two. My hatred for tomorrow is completely justifiable.

Anyway, have a nice day tomorrow and don't hurt yourself or anything...it's literally the dumbest thing to die for. It's just a stupid holiday.

We're All Mad Here

When I'm left alone with my thoughts I often find myself in a very dark place. I start to think about things that I really shouldn't or I over think the simplest things and ruin them entirely. For example:
    Once upon a time, I fell in love with my best friend. Hard. It didn't work out, between us but we stayed close. Most of the time I didn't even think about those feelings I once had but, when I started to hang around another guy I began feeling guilty for having them. Because even though I was't acting on them or anything, they were still in the back of my mind...memories, reflections of feelings that aren't really there anymore. I wondered if that was wrong. "Am I a bad person? I can't really control what goes on in my head. I do enjoy being with this guy but I can't forget the feelings I once had."

I figured out that it IS okay to remember those kinds of things, so long as they don't interfere with my moving forward. 'Cause they're in the past and that's really where they should stay. I can admire them from a distance.

But can you imagine having several of these complex thoughts going on all at once inside your head? As soon as you solve one of these, another takes it's place. Can you imagine that? If you can, you have an idea of what it's like in my head.
Welcome. We're all mad here.
*Hahaha*

"You Don't Understand."

Anyone who is or claims to be depressed will say "You don't understand." As ridiculous as they may sound. It's really how they feel. Trust me.

I feel...I hate myself. I hate how manipulative and clingy and outspoken I am. I feel like such an ugly person. Such a waste of flesh. I feel like a pest when I text or talk to anyone. I try to do nice things for the ones I love but it must not be enough. How can you mean so little to the ones who mean the most to you? I saw goodbye to my friends so often. What makes these friends and this boyfriend so special? Or more likey, what makes me think I'm so special to them?

I have been happy. I have felt good about myself. But it's rare. I just can't find anything about myself worth loving all the time. My "good" features are the ones that get me into the situations that get me hurt. I am trying. Trying to find something happy and stable to help me achieve a better attitude.

Here's hoping I find it soon.